Inside the Mind of Roy Mustang
by Melly15
Summary: Discover the inner workings of Colonel Roy Mustang's mind.
1. Work Related

The life of a State Alchemist. Most people think because I'm one of the higher ups here in

my department that my job is easy. That I have peons at my beck and call to fetch my dry cleaning,

and spit shine my shoes. But how wrong they are! I have to do every menial little chore myself. My

coworkers are lazy, and they have no respect for me. If I could fire them all, I would. Wait, I take

that back. I'd give Hawkeye a promotion and then threaten to take it away unless she were to

wear a short skirt to work everyday. Yes. That would be decidedly pleasant.

Wait, why's there a fly on my window? The window's shut. Is it really the enemy? Some

new confounded device that spies on me? Oh no! What if it can read my mind? Calm down Roy.

It's just a common house fly. But... wait... did that fly shoot me a dirty look? I must have had one

too many drinks last night. Yes, that must be it.

I wonder when I was supposed to turn in that report... I can always ask Hot-legs..er,

Hawkeye when she comes back. Which leads me to wonder, where'd she go in the first place?

Surely the bathroom is not so crowded that it takes her nearly an hour to do her business. Why

am I thinking such things! Oh yes, it was the drinks..

And speaking of drinks, why did Maes insist upon us going out to drink? I thought he

was a family man, not a bar hopper. Oh well to each his own. But I swear, on all of the power

in my expensive, sliver pocket watch, if he doesn't quit bugging me about getting a wife, I may

accidently snap. Hah, snap. Could be a double entendre. You know, snap my fingers, my mind

snaps. Wait, why am I justifying this to myself? I must be putting in too many hours. No no,

it's those drinks again! HUGHES!

Why am I here on a Saturday anyway? I usually sleep late, then wake up and do

nothing for a change. Was I called in for some reason? Was their an important meeting that

I forgot about? OH NO! What if the Fuhrer needed me! Where's Hawkeye! I need my

schedule! Oh yes, she went to the restroom. And she's still not back. Hold on.. oh great,

I lost my train of thought again. Ah well, must not've been too important if I forgot so easily.

Wow, it's almost noon. Better make sure the door's locked. Don't want to get myself

caught. Yes, hallway's empty. Good. The coast is clear. Door's locked, chair's comfortable.

Now, where's that TV? Ah yes, here it is. Channel 2...3...4...61..AHA! 14! And just in time.

If I had missed the first few minutes of 'Anime Women In Skirts That Kick Butt' I would've

been lost for the rest of the episode! Ah yes, you're all so lovely. With your short little skirts

that ride up every time you kick. Better be careful, or the big bad Mustang might come and

getcha when you least expect it!

Wait! What was that noise!

" Colonel Mustang? Sir, why's the door locked?"

" UHHH, JUST A SECOND!"

" Is everything okay in there sir?"

" Yes, everything's fine!"

Oh no! I have to hide this TV quickly and silently, elst Hawkeye will know what I was

watching! Under the desk! No! Too obvious! I need to get rid of this thing! WAIT! YES!

THAT'S IT!

* * *

" Wow, it's nice to be back in central! I just hope Mustang doesn't give us anything else to do

for a while. It'll be great to be able to relax. So what do ya say Al? What should we do first?"

" Uh, brother... did you do something to make Colonel Mustang angry?"

" Well, no. I don't think so. Why do you ask?"

Al pointed up in the direction of Mustang's window. Ed tipped his head back to see what

the problem was. He wasn't able to move before a TV fell on his face.

THE END.. or... is it?

* * *

A.N. Wow, this idea hit me from nowhere. The psychotic inner workings of Roy Mustang's mind.

So, R&R. Tell me whatcha think CIAO!

Melly


	2. I Hate Monday's

I hate Monday's, and I am not a morning person. Which brings me to wonder, why'd I even

get out of bed? Oh yes, work. I'm just a pawn of the Fuhrer. He has me on a leash. No, on a choke

collar. And he jerks me around like a dog! I AM NOT A DOG OF THE MILITARY! Oh wait, yes I

am. But, that's completely beside the point I was making a point of. Was that redundant? Quite

possibly, but it's seven o'clock in the morning. I have a RIGHT to be redundant.

Hmm, why's my mirror all fogged up? My shower wasn't even on a hot temperature. In fact,

it was rather cold. So cold that my teeth chattered. So WHY is my mirror fogged! GASP!

Did...did I... BREAK WIND! Holy-! I could've ignited the whole room! Must be more careful Roy.

Alchemists who are as great and powerful as you are must be cautious. Such carelessness could

result in a great calamity.

Now, where's my toothbrush? Must keep my pearly-whites nice and clean. A person seems

less official if they have dirty teeth. But I am fortunate. I have such lovely morning breath, unlike that

fool Armstrong. Nearly knocked me over in the hallway the other morning with his greeting. But, if

one values their life, they don't insult a man as large as Alex. Wordsto live by. I should write those

down. Ah, rinse and spit. Roy, you have the nicest smile in the whole military, you sly devil you.

I really need to iron my clothes more often. But seeing as how I don't have an iron, that

might be difficult. I also wouldn't know how to use one. So this is a moot point. Besides, I wear this

one outfit everyday. Wrinkles are the least of my problems. First one sleeve, then the other. Getting

ready for work is such a laborious bother. Good thing I get paid well. Big office, attractive co-worker,

and the right to boss the Fullmetal pipsqueak around. Yes, my life is good.

Hmm, I guess I don't really have time for breakfast. Don't want to pack on any pounds

anyway. Maybe just some coffee. Black coffee. Strong, black, steamy, delicious coffee. That sounds

good. Aw crud. I didn't go to the store. All right, no coffee. Why does everything go wrong on a

Monday? Well, guess I'm off to work now.

Lock the doors Roy. Wait, where are my car keys? BLAST! I left them inside! I despise

Monday's! Stupid door locks, keeping me out of my own house. It's a conspiracy against freedom!

Keys keys keys. If I were keys, where would I be? In Hawkeye's back pocket! AHA AHAHA!

Ooowee, I crack me up. Now, what was I... KEYS! Found 'em!

Now, after much suffering I can finally depart from my domicile, and partake upon a journey

to my place of employment. AWAY MUSTANG! Oh geez, did I hit something? Hope I didn't dent

my car. Oh well. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go...

* * *

" EDWARD! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT! I can't believe Roy just backed over you!"

With a groan, Ed peeled himself from the pavement. He took Hughes hand and stood

on shaky legs. Al stood nearby, fretting. Ed brushed off his coat and winced.

" I hate Monday's..."

* * *

A.N.

Wow. I was so shocked by all of the people saying they wanted another chapter, that it

inspired me to write this one. What do you all think? Should I write more? This story was just

something I wrote when I was feeling particularly insane, and I had only planned on it being one

chapter. But it's back by popular demand. So R&R... please...

MELLY

P.S. This fic is dedicated to Mrs. Wolfstang. You know who you are...

P.P.S. I give 50 bucks to the first person that can guess what my inspitation for this was!


End file.
